3 Steps for Baby Boomers: How to Start Dating After Divorce or Widowed

3 Beginner's Steps to Returning to Dating Again After Your Divorce or Being Widowed

OK, so one of the most common characteristics of single Midlifers is we are either dating again after divorce or the death of a spouse. Certainly, as a group there is usually a need to Prepare the Wall before painting with Divorce Recovery Support or Grief Support work in the Grief Recovery® first before Painting the House in Dating Again.


I share from personal experience here having both married and getting widowed in my mid-late 30s. I found I needed emotional support, not just the talking and thinking about it approach that traditional Talk Therapy provides.

The Grief Recovery® Method folks and their books were the most helpful in healing my heart which helped to make me ready to seek new love again in my 40s. I mention that book in particular because reading it and doing the exercises indeed where a massive help. It addresses the emotion of Grief, not only thinking about it.

When Your Return to Dating Again After Your Divorce or Being Widowed: Take Baby Steps to Date and Return to the Singles Scene

Once the Surface is Prepared, it is great to start painting your house: Get Out on More Dates. Just aim to venture back in slowly and gently. Think baby steps into the shallow end of the pool before jumping off the high dive into the deep end with big ticket dates or Saturday night dinner plus entertainment dates.

Focus First on your social life and rewarming up your social and interpersonal skills.

Indeed, studies show time and again that the majority of married people met their spouse via people they knew in common. Through friends, through common associations, through mutual acquaintances and getting set up by friends and family.

So, what is the number one behavior which will then increase your chances of meeting your new love?

Dating After Divorce BABY STEP 1: MEET MORE NEW PEOPLE

It will depend on the nature of your metro area for how easy it is to do that and what sort of events happen regularly which you can attend. You want to do things like take out your local print newspaper and look at the weekly calendar of events and choose a few each week simply to sample.

Don't worry. When you're just taking baby steps to get back out there again, the simple act of just going opens and softly stretches new neuropathways and warms up your social interpersonal skills muscles.

You want to combine a mix of events which are sort of a group association - like a Salsa Dancing or Classical Ballroom Dance group which meets regularly - with one off events which you attend only periodically. Be on the lookout for smaller attendance groups and events which offer an easy way and ambiance to break the ice and actually make conversation with new people.

Avoid attending massive scale attendance events like amphitheater open air concerts expecting that as a novice you would be able to meet and do social mingling with new people. Those events can be enjoyable to attend with your existing social circle, but it typically requires greater interpersonal social skills than you have just out of the gate first returning to dating again into the singles social scene. Aim for appropriate expectations and events which foster social interpersonal mingling.

Dating Again BABY STEP 2: ASSOCIATIONS and GROUPS

Associations and group can be your community, your tribe. With that, they are a terrific way to baby step you way back onto the local singles scene. Associations and Groups often do have a primary purpose of associating for singles to meet. However, that is not their only purpose. One of their core purposes is to foster casual and comfortable socializing. So, you can participate, attend, and belong all at a low key level.

It's minus the scrutiny and pressure of prom.

You want to attend these regularly, just don't let it be your only resource.  These associations and groups - dance groups, singles groups, Bible Study/Church groups - can often become a bit insular.  Sometimes new people attend their events.  Sometimes only the same people have been attending for months.

I know of some singles groups which cite themselves over at Yahoo Groups as well as Meetup. You can take a look at past events at some and in the group comments to get a feel for who goes regularly. Just know, not everyone who RSVPs to the event actually shows up. Secondarily, some folks attend the events and never cite their participation online. Looking at the online interaction can give you a feel for things, but it's not 100% accurately reflective of the group and their events.

Note 2019: Now Yahoo Groups is less used and more free listings for social groups would more likely be cited at Facebook.

Even if they tend to attract the same people all the time, for you, they will all be new. Endeavor to attend such groups even if you're not a member of that denomination or haven't been to church since high school. Most singles groups are welcoming to new people. You can both stretch your social circle - always a good thing - as well as meet possible potential dates for you. Truly, you never know.
Be sure to freshen your appearance and your put on your positivity mindset before you head out the door. Go with a light heart and program your RAS Reticular Activating System by taking out a little Sticky Note and writing out the simple goal of meeting and interacting with 5 new people and having a good time. Then when you enjoy yourself and meet actually 7-10 new folks, you'll reinforce your positive brain filter mindset and socializing behavior.

Do attend such events, just not exclusively.

After you've looked through your Events Calendar, and there are ones available online as well, just the ones featured in your Local Print Version Newspaper are often better established, so you can rely on their being there.

BABY STEP 3: SPECIAL OCCASION EVENTS

Often a Special Occasion is observed by a series of public events. They are really sort of one off.

• St. Patrick's Day.
• Gay/Lesbian Pride cocktails parties.
• Art Gallery openings.
• Scotch Tastings.
• Pinot Noir Tastings.
• Memorial Day BBQs.

Do join a handful of social Meetup groups. Just aim to attend those which host smaller scale events offering a great social mixer opportunity.
The first few ones you attend, you might want to see if a single friend would accompany you. This isn't so much for being your PUA tactics wingman or wingwoman. This is for social and emotional bolstering while you're first socializing again with new people and getting into groups which are, at least on some level, citing themselves as singles groups.
Because of that self-identification, it can feel a little more like middle school and spin the bottle. Eek! Everyone knows and is watching!
Once you're socializing again and filling up your weekly social calendar with new interpersonal mingling events, you'll regain your personal comfort, poise, and agility in doing so and find yourself venturing into new territories regularly. Once that's the case, you'll return to dating again in no time at all.
Happy Dating and Relationships!
April Braswell
Marriage Minded Singles Dating Expert and Relationship Coach
As seen in Dating for Dummies, 3rd Edition
April Braswell is an expert columnist at DatingAdvice.com and speaks to singles in Singles Groups and Divorce Support Groups as well as at Singles Dating Workshops and Singles Conferences in Orange County CA Life Coach April Braswell, LA and San Francisco.

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